Journeys and Destinations

I have successfully lost weight a handful of times; that is to say I made a point to make an effort to get into shape, and then I did. Typically it's included a weight loss of 20-30 pounds. I'd get to a point where I was content, and maintain that for a few months. Eventually my discipline would slip, and then it would stumble, and less than a year later I'd end up right where I'd started.

Last November I had just finished a gig, and didn't have the next one lined up yet. Usually this results in a listlessness stemming from a mixture low self-worth and fear. Recognizing that pattern and hoping to stave it off, I decided to dedicate myself to getting back into shape (again). I had felt my body putting on weight, my clothes fitting tighter, my breath harder to catch.

My goal this time wouldn't be getting there, as I've done so many times before, but staying there. Lacking any other ideas about how to obtain permanence, I started a photo album. I updated it every day. Always with the same lighting conditions and always wearing the same clothes, but I made it a point to take the picture and weigh myself at varying times of day. Under no circumstances immediately after exercise.

Several times since I started I've been advised to weigh myself less frequently, no more often than weekly. I've also been told it should happen at the same time of day, ideally first thing in the morning when the body weighs the least. This misses the point of what I'm trying to do.

I inhabit my body every hour of the day, every day of the week. I can see it and I can feel it at any time. Not just at 8 am on Sundays. Not only immediately after exercise when my water weight bloat is at its lowest and my muscles are at their most rippling. My goal is not to present only the most flattering data sets or a successful trend. I want to be happy with myself all the time, not just under the most favorable possible circumstances.

I'm documenting the struggle, not the result. This shit is hard. There's a journey of 1,000 miles between every Before and After photo, and I'll be goddamned if I gloss over a single step. Sometimes it hurts, and sometime it sucks, and sometimes I'm just doing it wrong and I need to try something else.

Failure and despair are waypoints on the road, avoided only by the very luckiest. I've visited them a few times in the months since I started all of this. For reasons I have not yet determined, this is the very first time I've put in this much effort and had absolutely no tangible result. Perhaps that's why it's more important for me to document it this time than any time previous. Maybe someone else who has given up (or never started) will be inspired to their own action and success, knowing that it's okay for the road to be rocky.

Maybe I'll keep that in mind, too.