The Virtue of Ink

Oh, the pain of a tattoo is great--but in the long run, it's COMPLETELY worth it. My first ink was six years ago, and I was the tinest little baby about it. It was a traumatic amount of pain, and I couldn't conduct myself like a functional human being. The only reason I kept going after I started is that a tattoo isn't a job you can half finish. And after a few weeks, the pain is gone, but the artwork remains.

What I heard was right--you can't get just one. Once the memory of the pain faded, I got a feeling of survival. Rough as it was, I made it through intact and complete. Complete, and yet more than I was before. I lost nothing of who I was, and gained something powerful and permanent that would be who I would be for the rest of my life. I needed another.

Three years ago, I got my second one. Nothing as important as the first, but it was time. The second wasn't as hard to endure as the first. I suppose I was just prepared, knowing what had happened before and knowing I could make it through a second time. And I did.

I still felt I was incomplete. I needed a balance, another picture as an equal and opposite to what I already had. Now that process has begun, and I couldn't be happier. It'll still be a month or so before I have my back filled out to my saticfaction, but filled out shall it be.

Pictures are up now--more to be posted as I get them.

Who I Am

I like being able to help others. I like it more when I can repay a favor.

I'm living in a new place now, and I really like it. It's just Heather and I, in a place we're sub-letting from a friend until she comes back into town in August. After that, Heather's off to Chi-town and I'm going either there or to Moscow—I won't know which for certain for another three weeks.

My God, but that seems close. Of course, compared to the last year and a half I spent preparing for it, it IS close. I'm getting more and more ready for my audition, and it scares me a little. I performed it in front of an audience today for the first time, and I didn't like what I did. I know I'm capable of better work than that, but to my credit, it's the first time I actually performed the piece instead of merely reciting it while driving. Big difference.

I get my new tattoo on Monday, thanks to the love of my little sister. I'm such a wimp when it comes to taking the pain of getting it done, but all told, it's a pain that doesn't last forever, and the artwork will.

Back to my original statement—Eric helped me move into this place, and I know it wasn't any easier for him than it was for me. He's moving this weekend, and though he got to borrow my truck, I didn't feel like I lent him as much of a hand as he gave me. I spent a few hours after work tonight helping him make another trip, and I feel uber-refreshed for having done so. I hate taking without giving back, and with this done, I can sleep a little easier tonight. I wish I could do a little more, though.

Some time ago, last November I think it was, I changed the "about me" section of my profile, and included a paragraph describing a few of my beliefs. It's a list of things I hadn't ever thought about before. But to name it and to publicize it as I did made me evaluate who I am and what I want in this world, including how I want to affect it and how I want to be affected by it. As a result, I very much like the person I'm becoming. I have pride and respect for myself, and I'm beginning to see some of that reflected back through those who surround me.

There's always something I wish I could change, but mostly it's superficial stuff like the length of my hair or the size of my gut. The biggest thing I lack now is discipline. I wish for the discipline to fulfill my responsibilities, to meet my goals and reach for my dreams, and to shape myself and my environment to meet the standards of what I want for my life. Perhaps that's a little esoteric, but it's all I feel like describing in a blog at this hour J
And now, bedtime.

Thank you for reading. Again J