Lindsay and I broke up about mid-October. We disagree as to the exact date it happened, but that's not important. What's important is that around the start of November, she met a guy and started dating.
I had thought that when we split up, we could see about getting back together after our lease ends in January. The stress of this relationship has been outstanding for much of the last year, and the concentration of living together only added to that stress. I hoped that not living together anymore, giving us a little distance, would make it possible that she and I could reconnect, gain back a little of what we lost. I don't suppose I ever told her this, or if I did, I didn't make it very clear.
What does this have to do with
? You'll have to be patient. I have a lot to explain. Moscow
I started getting more and more jealous of this guy, more and more angry that Lindsay had turned around and found happiness so soon after she and I split. When I lost Lindsay, I still had my best friend, the one I hung out with every day, the one I confided in the most, the one who knew me best and knew all my thoughts (even after the break-up, yes). When she started seeing someone she disappeared from my life, and the loss was unbearable. So on Tuesday, I wrote her a letter telling her why I was so upset, and during it, I realized just how important she is to me.
I started re-thinking EVERYTHING that has happened in this last year. This entire year, anyone who talked to me for more than thirty seconds about my going to
But why, in my mind, did it have to be a choice? Why couldn't it be both? She's a make-up artist and I'm an actor, shouldn't those two careers compliment one another? These questions and more are answered in two parts.
Part the first: just before Lindsay and I got together in the first place, I had auditioned for graduate school. I tried a few different schools, but the best audition was for UCLA. The audition lasted an hour, and had over a dozen people in the room at the same time. We worked together both on our prepared monologues as well as some exercises with a coach while another man sat behind a table and watched, taking notes. Finally, the coach sent everyone else out of the room, thanking them for their time, and kept two of us behind for further work with the mysterious man behind the desk. It was absolutely thrilling.
The problem was that this was an "open" audition, which meant they let me in to audition without officially applying to the school. It was impressed upon the two of us who were asked to stay behind very strenuously that putting in the application was of utmost importance, and must be done immediately. When I got home, I printed the application, but to fill it out and send it in was just something I couldn't make myself do. The reasons why are many, but don't really belong in this rapidly lengthening story. The end result was that I believed UCLA would have allowed me into their graduate program if only I had sent in the paperwork. This is one of my most embarrassing secrets. I am refreshed that it is a secret no longer.
Part the second: a few months later, when Lindsay and I were together, I admitted to her and her alone what I had done. We talked about a lot, including relationships and what we'd given up for them in the past just to watch them fail later. Where does that leave us but alone, and working a job that has nothing to do with our dreams? Working a shitty job can be okay, I have discovered, if I have a relationship with someone to take away the pain and the stress. But when the relationship ends, now I'm heartbroken and I'm alone and I STILL have a shitty job because I never spent time working on getting myself OUT of the shitty job. We both expressed a desire to never again allow a relationship to stand between ourselves and our career choice. She understood my problem and my desire in this matter as I did hers.
So when I went to
I've only been in one long distance relationship, and it didn't work. It only lasted one school year, and we still saw one another once a month and talked every day. I didn't think it was possible for me to have a long distance relationship where I might come home only twice a year, nine time zones removed from the person I was trying to talk to, and the prospect terrified me. I was terrified to the point I couldn't connect with Lindsay, couldn't get close to her, couldn't let her get close to me. The only thing that calmed me down was the notion that we should break up when I go, to set one another free, perhaps to one day be back in the same place at the same time, and discover if our hearts still longed for one another then (romantic, isn't it?). But in the meantime, what fun we could have! Knowing for a fact that our time together was limited meant that she and I would enjoy every waking moment together, never taking one another for granted or missing an opportunity for happiness. With this notion, I was gung-ho and ready to go, comfortable at last and ready to be with her in earnest.
But with this decision, she and I traded places emotionally. Attempting to protect herself from a deeper hurt, she started pushing me away. Things got rough between us pretty quickly. Try as she might, she just couldn't let me in, and I felt her slipping farther and farther away. Try as I might, I couldn't do what she needed me to do to make things more comfortable between us. I did much for her to show her how much I loved and cared for her, but I didn't do the smaller, simpler things she asked me to do, the things that mattered to her most. So things between us only got worse.
When we broke up in October, she told me it was because she was too emotionally stressed out trying to make it work. Between the pressures of dealing with me and the pressures of managing a sports bar 60 hours a week, it was more than she could take, even though we now knew I wouldn't be leaving for an extra seven months. Shortly after the break-up the sports bar closed for business, and all the remaining reasons for her stress were lifted almost simultaneously. She started re-discovering herself, taking care of herself and her emotions and her friends, started becoming the happy person she hasn't been since before she and I even met. I started to fall for her again, seeing that happy person emerge from the ashes of the broken woman who told me she couldn't handle things anymore, and needed to get away and take care of herself. My heart surged for her, but I knew to be patient, to let the bad vibes between us wane before attempting a relationship again. Too soon would be a bad thing, I felt.
And now we begin to return to the beginning of the story.
As much as I hate that it's true, it took the deep pain and jealousy of learning all of this to make me realize exactly how special she was and is to me. I realized she meant too much to me to lose her. I finally began to see that she and the others I spoke to about going to
We talked Wednesday night, and I gave my best effort to get her back. I told her everything I had realized, from what I could do with my career without leaving to the mistakes I had made trying to make her happy in the wrong way. She heard every word, and said to me I told her absolutely everything she needed to hear.
Three months too late.
Thanksgiving Day was shitty. Praise God for friends and family (see previous blog).
Now I'm stuck in nepantla. I don't know whether I should go to
So now what? I dunno what I'm gonna do, but I have a working plan. I'm going to spend the next couple of months trying to see what it would be like if I stayed. I'm going to get an agent (I have a contact in the field, and I believe this won't be difficult). I'm going to work on my voice-overs, something else I gave up because Russian lessons were too expensive to allow for it. I'm going to knock the dust off my gis and practice a bit of TKD and Tai Chi. I'm going to quit smoking and start jogging.
And I'm going to hope that Lindsay finds it in her heart to let me try again.
Come the first of February, I'll make the decision of whether I stay or go. That still leaves five months to buckle down and cram more language lessons into my head, and figure out how to come up with the money.
Stay tuned. God knows it's going to be intesting.
Furthermore, I want to make it clear that I have no anger or animosity against Lindsay. I understand why she has done everything she has done, and I understand why she has felt everything she has felt. I surely hate this situation, and I wish it was different, but I can't change any part of it. All I can do is react.