You know that ultra-romantic notion of “one true love”? Bullshit. I’ve been in nine major relationships (as opposed to the occasional fling), and each time I have loved as deeply as I am capable. I bent all my energy and will toward those women. I fought for them with every method, tool, and weapon in my heart’s arsenal. I screwed up more than once, and in more than one way, and sooner or later I lost each of them.
I loved them each in different ways for different reasons, because of course I did; no two people are the same, nor was I the same man each time I met someone new.
I’ve heard people talk about their first love being the greatest, the definition by which all future relationships are judged. And that first breakup is frequently regarded as the most painful. Again, I call bullshit.
I have to say each successive breakup is harder than the last. I recognize that I may be approaching the idea from the wrong angle, but it hurts more because I think I’m supposed to have this whole relationship thing figured out by now. I’m supposed to know how to behave, how to treat my partner with love and respect and keep the magic and excitement alive. Each time a relationship fails I try to figure out where I went wrong, what I did that made them want to leave. Each time it hurts worse because I still haven’t found the woman who would ultimately choose to fix a problem with me than start over with someone else.
And every time it ends I ask myself: do I have the strength to do this again? How many more times can I handle a heartbreak?
The answer always comes back the same: at least one more time.
If there is a karmic balance to be achieved, I can pretend this keeps happening because I was very selfish and disrespectful early on, and I’m paying for it now. If that’s true, I firmly believe I’ve completely and totally paid for my sins. Which is not to say I’m karmically due a perfect happiness from here on out; rather I’m back to a level playing field.
So here I am again, Universe. Arms open wide and ready to give as good as I get. Bring it on.