Sunday, December 17, 2006

Clarity

So last week started off kind of crappy again. Odd, since I started posting a regular blog, because I usually feel much better after a posting. Last week, it didn't work, and I can't say exactly why. Okay, yes I can, but it's a detail that doesn't matter so much anymore.

That's because at some point on Wednesday afternoon, I started feeling MUCH better. I finally got nearly everything into my new apartment (save a few pieces of furniture), and got almost completely unpacked in the course of about a day.

The last two places I lived were shared space, and nothing much of mine got put up. Both times, the initial move-in was done without me, and by the time I got there, everything had its place, and there was no place for most of what I wanted. For the first time in two years, I have a room that's all mine. Going through boxes, I found pictures I had forgotten I had, most importantly one of my siblings and I when we were all kids. The furniture is where I want it, no compromise. The things on my walls and shelves all belong to me, and are the way I want them. Everything I have that I want to see is somewhere I can see it. The place won't be mine for long, but for now it is well and truly mine. To use a Superman reference, it's my own Fortress of Solitude, if you will, just without all the crystals.

I like it.

This, and I started writing in my private journal more often this week. In it, I voiced a revelation I had last week that gives the first silver lining to the clouds that have oppressed my mood the last several months. Of course, I wish things hadn't turned out the way they had, but I have been told many times lately that everything happens for a reason. With this situation, I've come to understand once again that God isn't going to write me a personal letter telling me exactly what that reason is--it's up to me to discover (or to create) that reason for myself. One week ago yesterday, waiting to be picked up at the airport, that realization came into my mind. The other day, in my journal, I explored that reason, and things began to click into place. It's not time to voice this revelation here, because I have one last thing to do before I can say I'm really moving on; but I am feeling much better. Maybe God sent me a little note after all, told me that it's time to stop bleeding and start healing. Whatever the inspiration, it's working.

Since then, many people at work have expressed to me that I'm finally beginning to act like myself again. It's funny--once upon a time, someone told me how much of an effect my frame of mind has on those around me. I forget who said it, but it was said that I'm usually such a happy, positive guy that when I'm moping around all depressed, it's like there's something wrong with the whole world. If Mark can't find a reason to be happy, what chance do the rest of us have? Well, I can't say I'm well and and truly happy, not just yet, but I'm beginning to see the path to inner peace. I'm laughing and goofing around again. I'm going out drinking and karaoke-ing with my friends, and reconstituting my love of whiskey. I'm losing weight to the point that other people are noticing it.

And most importantly--I have my eye on the future more often than the past.

Here's to the future.

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