Sunday, January 28, 2007

Phoenix Rising

Immediately upon posting my entry last week, I made a realization, and then a determination.

The realization is that I've spent too much time living in the recent past. Constantly have I played and replayed events of this past year in my head, fantasizing repeatedly the things I wish I'd said or done differently that would have avoided the pains and traumas I (and others) suffered as a result. I believe this is normal, and to some extent, healthy. Why do we study history in a classroom? The standard argument is that if we do not learn from our past, we will be forced to repeat it.

Dear Lord, may I pretty please NOT have a repeat performance of the miseries of this last year. Thank you, and Amen.

I find it's necessary to explain that not everything about this last year was miserable--but for every joy I felt, there was an undercurrent that I was making a painful sacrifice to obtain an opportunity I truly wanted. I was never as confident as I pretended that I was doing "the right thing". I'm still not, but for now, that's neither here nor there.

It's time to force myself to see the present day as well as the near future. The ties to my past are clipped, and I can no longer change my past any more than I can change the position of the heavens. For months now, I've complained about my lot in life. The time for that must end if ever I shall find myself among my goals and desires. I went through something rough recently as I have done before. It will never cease to be a part of who I am, but I refuse to let it define me any longer.

No one event, nor a series of related events, can define a person. No one color or song can describe a whole entity that is a human being. No one philosophy can contain the entirety of a human heart. The person I am shall no longer be constrained by the short-term ramifications of a single mistake.

Beginning today, I define my destiny. I will shape my world around who I am and what I want. I WILL not let the shape of the path my life has taken turn me into some complacent, comfortable, and ultimately unhappy little man.

Not again, anyway :)

Not anytime soon.

Besides. I got tired of sounding like I was a whiny little bitch every week.

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