Well.
Now that I've had a few days to reflect, I've come to a few conclusions. I've been dealing with the possibility of not getting to Moscow ever since October, when they first started to take this opportunity away from me. I remember thinking how horrible it would be, to have planned and prepared for so long, only to have it turn out--well, exactly as it did. I worked hard and sacrificed much just for the possibility. Often people asked me if I was certain it was a sure thing, and I suppose I never really was. But I had faith, and that faith was what kept me going no matter how many bullshit hurdles they threw in my path.
And I can say with pride that I gave Moscow my best shot--I didn't ever give up, as often as it crossed my mind. Even though I didn't make it, I gave all my effort and took the chance they offered to prove my ability. I'm proud of myself for seeing this thing through to the end. I never decided not to go. They told me I couldn't in spite of how hard I tried (and in spite of how well I performed, so I'm told), and that distinction gives me a good measure of self-respect.
Sure I feel screwed over--the response I got from the school spelled out the fact that this really was just a pipe dream from the beginning--but I wasn't blindsided by the outcome. For months, I was forced to consider what would happen if I didn't go for some reason. Finally hearing the news last week was like hearing that a sick friend finally died. Now I can move on with my life.
I spent the last few months toying with ideas of what I would do if I didn't get to go: sell my stuff, which I was going to do anyway; move to Chicago with Heather and try to make a living as an actor in a real theatre town; sell my truck and get a motorcycle; live in a Blue Man town; audition for an American grad school again, and ask which language they want to hear my monologue in; see how much credit card debt I could clear out; get a new, cool cell phone this December when I get eligible for my rebate; keep rock climbing; see how high the TKD belt ladder I could climb. As the time to leave approached, all I could think about was how many of these things I wouldn't be able to do for three years while in another country. It made me more than a little sad, to be honest, but now I get to do them.
So now Heather and I just need to find an apartment in Chi-Town big enough for the two of us and our cats, and close enough to the train for convenience; then I find a job that allows for a flexible schedule. My last day at MTM is Monday, August 13th (I think), and we head to points North a week later.
Suitable farewell parties shall be held in the interim.
Stay posted.
No comments:
Post a Comment