One Note Song

It’s been harder and harder to write about what’s going on in my life for two reasons. The first is related to the self-serving notion of keeping a blog in the first place. I started as a way of keeping in touch with the friends I don’t call or see on a regular basis, yet who are important to me all the same. Some people I haven’t talked to directly in months, if not years, and yet I still like to read what’s going on in their lives, and to have the stories of my life read by them. Now I feel like I have an obligation to continue what I started. And besides, it can be both fun and therapeutic for the less tragic elements of my life.

But for the last six months I have been defined by a singular event. I’ve railed against the reality of it ever since, wrongly believing I could discover the means to undo it. I fooled myself into thinking I wasn’t trying any more, but I recently realized I was simply using another approach to do exactly that. Other things have happened to me during this time, important things, but in light of the breakup these other things fade out of relevance the way the evening stars fade under the light of the morning sun. It feels like it’s all I have to talk about. In truth, give me half an opportunity and I’ll discuss nothing else. If I wrote about it here as often as I feel the misery of it all, I’d find the limits of how important the events of my life are to other people. Friends have tried to drag me out of my wallowing time and again by reminding me that I have so much to look forward to, or providing supportive words, gestures, or distractions, and to their credit they’re doing the right thing and I appreciate it greatly. Yet in my stubbornness their efforts have as much effect as dousing a bonfire with nothing more than a shovel and dirt. And so I try my best not to strain the bonds of friendship by complaining overmuch. I don’t like asking for help of any kind for any reason, so if I’m asking for help – or letting you know I need it – it’s only out of the most extreme desperation.

The other reason I don’t get too specific, or speak on this too often, is out of respect for Her. The circumstances of our relationship were such that we needed to keep it relatively quiet (i.e. off the internet) which is why it didn’t come out until after it was over. I will eternally regret that, because She was worth every song or poem ever written about love, honored and respected and cherished in my heart far beyond my capacity to express it. And after it was over I didn’t want any unwarranted attention visited upon her out of a misconstrued sense of loyalty to me. She had enough to contend with trying to make it through the worst parts of our relationship. Through every stage of our breakup and my attempt at reconciliation she put up with more exasperation in a single week than I would have wished upon her in a lifetime.

So why bring this up now? Because as much as I hate to admit it, I need help. As much as I can get. I finally accomplished the intellectual acceptance that it’s well and truly over. At long last I’ve acknowledged that we have less chance of getting back together than my poor heart has been able to take before now. Admitting this fact in my own head is difficult enough, but bringing it up for others to read helps to cement it into my reality. I’ve been lost in a storm of futile denial for too long, and I need to make an emotional waypoint here to ensure I don’t come back to this place in my attempt to stride onward.

Lately I’ve been trying to improve every weakness in my life because I know it’s the right thing to do for myself, but every time I took measure of my accomplishments I’d wonder if that would help in getting her back. That hope – a bastard of a thing to kill – is one of the major things that drove me to keep improving. Now I’ve fallen into the trap of Doing It For Her, and I need the motivation to keep doing these things whether or not she ever, ever comes back into my life.

So I ask you now to please help me. I need reasons to keep going. I need encouragement. The best reason I’ve been able to come up with on my own is related to my time with Her. I neglected the relationship time and again trying to fix problems (most of them financial) that I could have and should have taken care of years before we’d even met. If I hadn’t been doing that when we were together, I’d have had more time and strength to devote to us. I don’t say this to bring up the game of “what if”, but rather because I know that one day in my future there will be something (or someone) I desperately want, but won’t be able to have or maintain if I don’t eliminate my weaknesses here and now. I have millstones around my neck that seem of little significance today, but will later drown me if I don’t spend right now unchaining myself from them.

I need to continue to exercise and eat right. I need to sleep more and smoke less. I need to strategize my spending. I need to find a new place to live (and fast). I have seven weeks and two days before school starts, and I need to be able to devote myself fully with nothing holding me back. I put these words here, before witnesses, to make it easier to maintain progress and harder to lapse into regression.

Suggestions are welcome, encouraged, coveted and venerated.